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Why Your Team Sucks 2. Jacksonville Jaguars.

Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Jacksonville Jaguars. Your 2. 01. 6 record: 3- 1. Here now is a full summary of your season: The Jaguars have lost 1. At least when Cleveland loses, they go all out. By contrast, the Jaguars put on a cheap sheen of continuity and professionalism that renders them forgettable even when they’re steadily smashing records for hideous incompetence.

Gus Bradley was 1. Jags finally, mercifully let him go. That . 2. 26 winning percentage makes Bradley the second worst coach in NFL history.

That’s the Jaguars for you: never quite bold enough to be the absolute worst. The return unit got owned by a punter. The team’s best young defender got owned by Steve Smith.

The Titans, their spiritual Thursday Night Football brothers, crushed them on national TV and have an actual future. Oh, and the “Steal the show” lady? Turned out she was homeless. Is there nothing this area of the country cannot make horribly sad?

Your coach: Oh look! It’s WIDELY RESPECTED mall dad Doug Marrone! You probably remember Marrone, seen here formulating a game plan, from the time he quit the Bills thanks to a strange contract clause that let him collect $4 million even if he opted out. Marrone was banking on getting another head job right away only to quickly discover that a coach with a 1. Lucky for you Jags fans, the franchise. Buffalo’s loss is now your future loss! You should hope the Jags play as hard as Marrone played himself.

Anyway, this is the exact kind of uninspiring, bland hire the world counts on from Jacksonville. They are the Democratic party of football, trotting out one respectable loser after another. The only time they make a splash is when one of their fans grabs his nuts in the stadium pool. HOWEVER, they did make one notable hire after anointing Marrone permanent interim head coach! Yes folks, the glory days of the Tom Coughlin era are here once more. Early meeting times! Hands on hips! Players forced to play through horrible injuries!

Training tables with two different kinds of All- Bran! It’s all here. Now instead of going 3- 1. Jags will go 4- 1. EXHAUSTED by the end of it. The old man has already gotten in trouble for pulling his whole “You’re late if you aren’t early” horseshit, so that’s a promising sign! Coughlin will be in charge of overseeing (i.

I say by Week 4, he storms down to the field, rips off Marrone’s headset, and forces him to do 5. DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE DISCIPLINE. Your quarterback: Ageful wonder Blake Bortles. Let’s see how those mechanics are going! This was the year for Jacksonville to bail on the Great Bortles Experiment.

But noooooooooo. No, these guys decided to fuck this chicken yet again and roll out with a quarterback who looks exactly like Tom Coughlin’s LAST Jags quarterback does right now. The Vatican moves with more swiftness than this team. Look how old Bortles is. Even Lorde is like JESUS THAT GUY IS LYING ABOUT HIS AGE. But the disturbing oldness of Bortles is arguably his least alarming quality. I can put on a game tape, close my eyes, hit STOP at any random interval, and still land on footage of Bortles being a basket case on the field. It’s astounding. To say Bortles regressed last season is an insult to other things that have regressed, like Twitter, and rock music, and the United States of America.

Bortles went BEYOND regressing and found a new and wondrous crevasse to fall through. His TD total fell dramatically. His yards- per- attempt fell dramatically.

Do you want to know the most disturbing part? He was sacked 1. 7 fewer times last season and was STILL worse. And he’s not even finished cratering, given that he’s spent these early practices doing his best Ryan Fitzpatrick impression. This is why there’s still a hidden subset of Duval holding onto hope that the Jags will sign Tebow as a franchise QB in like 2. So are we. What’s new that sucks: You’re not gonna believe this, but the Jags signed a lot of free agents! Shocking, I know. This year’s Golden Parachute recipients included Barry Church, A.

J. Bouye, and tackle Branden Albert. Will any of these men make a difference? LOL FUCK AND NO. Albert retired YESTERDAY. One look at Jags training camp and he was like, “Well this is hopeless.” I’m not sure any Jags free agent has actually ever ended up playing a down.

I just assume that whenever the Jags sign a free agent, they lock them in a sewer dungeon . It doesn’t matter if the Jags bring in a slew of free agents annually (free agents always come in slews). They will vanish. It’s magic. Also, they drafted Leonard Fournette, which would have been a crazy awesome thing to do exactly one year earlier. Now it’s like they drafted Greg Jones II. What has always sucked: Dave Caldwell is still here! How the fuck do you let Gus Bradley go but keep the architect in charge of all this futility?

They brought in Tom Coughlin but somehow forgot to can this guy? I swear to God, Shad Khan’s appendix could burst and it would take him eight weeks to visit the hospital. This is why the Jags will always be the official team of Thursday nights. They keep around the same leadership to hand out the same wasted money to field the same shitty product year after year for a bunch of hot tub yahoos who are too loaded to give a shit either way. Did you know? By area, Jacksonville is the largest city in the United States.

I live in Maryland. But technically, I ALSO live in Jacksonville. I’m not happy about it. What might not suck: At least you won’t lose any fights to a Bears fan.

HEAR IT FROM JAGS FANS! Noel: I almost rear- ended the car in front of me when my eyes rolled into my head after hearing a local sports radio host say, “I’m THRILLED the Jags are going to get to practice with the Patriots up in Foxboro this offseason. The young guys, the veterans, they’re all going to get so much out of that. Not every team gets that kind of opportunity.” There are few things more sad to me each and every single off- season than when the first Jacksonville sports radio host utters one of the following kisses of death: “I know I said this last year, but I’m telling you, I really like our chances this year” “I’m looking at this schedule and I don’t see how we win less than 8 games this season” “The Texans are really the only team in this division we’ve gotta worry about” “I love what I’ve been hearing about (insert shitty quarterback). Outside of personal style he has shown incredibly suspect judgment. It’s bad enough to wait until Week 1.

Jaguars word) in the history of the modern NFL after everyone knew he should have been canned in the previous offseason. No, that is fucking Oliver Wendell Holmes judgment compared to the fact that our owner is a foreign born Muslim- American who supported Trump, then was SURPRISED that Trump actually meant all that shit about banning Muslims. Being a Muslim- American is a lot like being a Jaguars fan. For an immigrant group/expansion franchise we’ve been decently successful in America/the NFL, but every time you want to cozy up to the establishment you get abruptly cast as a disease on this country and/or sent to London. Our quarterback has been laughing nervously every time Johnny Manziel’s alcoholism has been brought up over the last several years.

Tom Coughlin is our coach now. Well he’s not really our coach, but he’s the GM. I mean he’s not the GM either but the coach and the GM are supposed to do exactly what he says otherwise there’s going to be some trouble.

AND BY GOLLY WE’RE GONNA QUIT CODDLING THESE PLAYERS AND FRONT OFFICE NERDS. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong with this scenario, particularly when Coughlin dies of a heart attack after seeing our QB’s throwing motion for the first time.